The Lord is my shepherd forever

As I go on living everyday, I am realizing more and more the Lord is my shepherd forever. Although everything outwardly is breaking and decaying, yet my inner man is being renewed day by day. The Lord shepherds me everyday with himself and leads me by waters of rest. Although this past year has been a dealing of itself - so many ups and downs, but through these situations the Lord has become my portion forever. He is so real and so rich for me to enjoy. Now that the guy has left and I moved out of my old place, it just feels like a new beginning. A new start and deeper experiences of Christ. He is leading me and shepherding me all the days of my life. I'm realizing that everything that the Lord take away from me, He replaces it with Himself. He continually is waiting for me to come to Him to allow Him into my mind, emotion and will. I just can't help but to surrender to Him. I don't want to argue anymore. No matter what happens in my future, whether I end up with the guy, whether he actually commits to me through words or not, whether I stay in Pittsburgh after a year or not, my eyes have been opened to see that surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. 

After the guy left I just feel I miss him so much. But I know that the Lord is faithful and will deal with him and gain him for His purpose. So this time away is just for him to gain the Lord. I amen to the Lord and His will no matter how much I'm suffering outwardly. I just miss him so much. But I know that whatever will happen in the future that it's always good. Because in every situation it's always just Christ being added into my being. Christ himself becomes my portion my love and my everything. He shepherds me with himself and leads me besides waters of rest. I'm resting in Him because I know that whatever I go through He is using all of it to gain my being for His heart's desire. 

Therefore I endure all things for the sake of the chosen ones, that they themselves also may obtain the salvation which is in Christ Jesus with eternal glory. Faithful is the word: for if we died with Him we will also live with Him; if we endure, we will also reign with Him; if we deny Him, He also will deny us; if we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself. 2 Tim 2:10-13

 I believe in God and His promises. What He has spoken He will do. He will release what needs to be released for His kingdom and purpose. If God wants this relationship, He will continue to open no matter if we separate. Even the guy will say something and confirm the relationship with words instead of only actions. It will be clear and he will commit to me. Because this is God's will and He is faithful to His words. Everything I've endured this year is not for me, but for him and his growth in Christ. Although everyday I die, as in my old man, my self, but everyday I'm living by the bountiful supply of the Spirit and in the resurrection of Christ. He is the one supplying me to live my everyday life, just waiting and trusting in his timing, and believing He will work out what He desires. And since this relationship is for His purpose- He will do it. 

💗

Though I love You, Lord,

My life seems all deformed. 

I give my life to You--

Then drift away. 

Lord, may I ask You that You'd draw me yet again,

And keep me running after You.

Lord, I've seen Your purpose. 

Your heart's unveiled to me. 

Now I'd just like to see You gain me fully.

Though You I often limit

And fail by compromise,

Keep me in the index of Your eyes.

Lord, I want Your best.

I want Your full blessing.

I don't want any less,

Though good it be.

Have mercy, Lord, to push, to pull, lay hold of me. 

Keep me still running toward the prize.

Mold me, shape me, Lord.

Be my reality.

Even break my heart,

if it has to be.

I'm desperate, Lord, that You would have Your way with me.

Others could touch You then through me.

Set my heart aflame. 

Don't let me stay the same.

Don't let things remain 

Which now grieve You.

My life I give to You and all I've claimed as mine.

May I just hold, Lord, unto You.

Although I've heard this song growing up, I never felt it so real until now.  I always run after the Lord, and give myself to Him, but every time I drift away. Even though I've seen what His purpose is, and His heart's desire. But I fail constantly. I always love other things even without realizing it. Once it's too late, it seems that a large part of my heart had already been given away.  It isn't until losing it that I realize how near and dear I had held on to it.  I never want the Lord to come in and touch those things. And when the Lord does and says, "This belongs to me. This is not yours to keep for yourself. You must offer it up to me." There's always such a reluctance to give in to the Lord, but in the end, the Lord always always wins. He subdues me through my environment and breaks me absolutely until there is no way for me to go on any longer. 

The Lord has consistently molded, shaped me, and broke my heart over and over again. But I am realizing He is the sovereign one, and He is never wrong in His ways and in what happens in my life. But whatever the Lord decides to do with me, to deal with me, I am just desperate that He would have His way with me.  That He uses these negative situations to burn me and break me totally that He may replace it with Himself. To occupy it totally that I may be a channel for others to touch Him through me.  My natural being has been such a hindrance to the Lord, that the Lord really had to shape me.Now everything I desire, my goals, my aspirations, everything I long and care about, "Don't let things remain Which now grieve You." In the end, everything is temporary, but I'm realizing only God is eternal. 
Only He is everlasting and will never fade away. Nothing can separate us from the love of God, which Christ Himself.   

Although I had reserved some things in my heart for myself, the Lord is continually dealing w/ me in every aspect so I can only say now:

I say Yes and give You full permission

To touch every corner of my heart; 

Break through all the barriers in my being; 

Do not let me withold any part

Tis my joy to give You all the ground, Lord; 

Make my heart a dwelling place for You;

I want You to be at home within me;

Come and settle down in every room.

Lord, do cleanse my heart from all self-seeking

That I'd truly want nothing but Thee;

Let my soul be occupied, possessed, Lord,

That You would be magnified in me. 

Whatever my future may hold, whatever the Lord desires for me, my future is all under his hand. I consecrate my whole being, including my heart entirely to Him and Him alone. 

My life I give to Him and all that I've claimed as mine. .

Lord, I have been drawn off by many things. Lord, turn my heart back to You once again. I repent for loving other things, Jesus Lord, you're my first and you are my best love.  There is none else I desire but You. Occupy me, possess me completely and fill me completely with Yourself. Settle down in every room in my heart. Finally Lord I say Yes and give you the full permission to touch every corner of my heart. Come into all the places I kept for myself, and fill it more with Yourself. Oh how sweet it is to love Him, and Lord, I just can't help but to love you more and more each day. I turn my heart away from everything else and turn my heart completely to the most lovely One. Your beauty does far exceed all others. When I behold you Jesus, you draw my heart completely, I cannot turn away Lord. I rest in your embrace. Time is gone there's only- your holy, matchless presence. Abiding in You, gazing upon your glorious face. I give my life, my future, to you Lord, there is nothing I desire but You. May all my days be yours Lord, my heart be given to love you, treasure you and serve you by your sufficient grace. Lord Jesus, I love you. I just love you. 

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Matt 5:8

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of the heavens, Matt 5:3

I will also give you a new heart; and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will take away the heart of stone out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh. And I will put My spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statues, and My ordinances you shall keep and do. Ezek 36:26-27

That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit into the inner man, That Christ may make His home in your hearts through faith, Eph 3:16-17a

And you shall love the Lord your God from your whole heart and from your whole soul and from your whole mind and from your whole strength. Mark 12:30

But as it is written, "Things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard and which have not come up in man's heart; things which God has prepared for those who love Him."

Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, with which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will recompense me in that day, and not only me but also all those who have loved His appearing. 2 Tim 4:8 

 💗

Joy upon joy

Photos from my trip to California:

-my mom and I --> we are like twinz in our flower dresses LOL

-Housemates from undergrad in UC Riverside (can't believe my girl got married!! glad I got to pray with her and hang out with them the entire time of their courtship/aka: dating for marriage hehe)

-My family (aunt/uncle/mom)

-Super cute

-my mom is so cute hahaha she looks so happy here

-my skills of decoration (maybe I should change my major to this instead? LOL jk) I rather open a bakery/coffee shop as a side career in addition to pharmacy

-silly faces with the sisters I met :D (chilling at the Arcadia mall b/c we needed to get samples of foundation from sephora from the bride hahaha)

-My designer idea for a photobooth! Who knew I was so artistic (wow I have so many skills hahahha just kidding :P)

-Look at the steam from the bulgogi!! (2nd birthday dinner :D)

-My super cute green tea with sea salt foam and a cute picture of cat! I forgot what this cat is called again?

-Found this in a cute Japanese shop in the mall, which reminds me a lot of the verse:

"For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife; And the two shall be one flesh. So then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has yoked together, let man not separate." Mark 10:7-9

I'm just happy. Honestly. Whenever I come back to Pittsburgh, and am here with the guy and the Body, I am just happy and resting. I'm realizing that the Lord just wants me to wait upon Him, wait for His timing, His way, and His will.  He has won the victory, and He will not stop until He gains what He is after. He is longing for the New Jerusalem.

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Gen 2:24

The footnote says: "Adam and Eve becoming one flesh, one complete unit, is a figure of God and man being joined as one. The coming New Jerusalem will be the eternal union of God and man, a universal couple as a complete unit composed of divinity and humanity." -"This portrays that in the New Jerusalem the proceed and consummated redeeming Triune God as the universal Husband will live a married life with the redeemed, regenerated, transformed, and glorified humanity as the wife, forever."

"And I saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband." Rev 21:2 

Footnote for New Jerusalem: "The New Jerusalem is a living composition of all the saints redeemed by God throughout all generations. It is the bride of Christ as His counterpart and the holy city of God as His habitation, His tabernacle.  As the bride of Christ, the New Jerusalem comes out of Christ, her Husband, and becomes His counterpart, just as Eve came out of Adam, her husband and became his counterpart.
"In her, God will have the fullest satisfaction in love and the utmost rest in expression for eternity."

Wow. Seeing all this, marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church. When I think about the future and the Lord coming back for His redeemed and chosen people in full maturity as a bride, I feel my problems on the earth are not problems anymore.  There's such a release knowing that although outwardly I'm working, studying, eating, drinking, etc. that all these things are just a shadow of the things to come. It's not like we don't have to do anything when we believe in the Lord and just wait for His coming without actively living, but we know our living, our goal, and our hope is for His coming and for His bride.
Marriage is a picture, a shadow of Christ and the church. The Lord is waiting for His bride, the church to be "redeemed, regenerated, transformed, and glorified humanity as the wife, forever." This is our real destiny, our real goal.
When I see this, it makes my worries, concerns about my own future marriage fade away. Whatever is according to the Lord's heart desire, He will accomplish and will not stop until He gains what He is after.  He wants to marry His bride, but He is waiting for us as the church to be transformed.  This requires that we as individuals be transformed first. He wants to spread from our spirit, into our soul-the mind, emotion, and will, and eventually transform us in our body (when He comes back).  But to do this, He requires our cooperation. God will NOT make His home in our heart unless we give Him the ground and opportunity to come in. He won't just invade without our permission. A lot of times human beings are not open and are not willing to be transformed by God, and are not willing to let God make their heart His home.  However, God doesn't give up on His people.
Instead, He works in their environment.  He breaks them, and it's not because He wants them to suffer for no reason, but He breaks them so that He can build himself into them. (Rom 8:28)
Is our heart open to Him that He is able to gain what He is after? Most of the time, no. I can say that I definitely am super resistant to the Lord touching certain things that I hold so dear to my heart. But again and again, the Lord works in my environment and breaks me totally until I'm like, Okay Lord!! I submit to you, I don't want to argue with you anymore. I'm so tired, I allow you to come into that part of my heart. Amen Lord, come in." Immediately, after I submit, I just have so much rest in my heart. It's like when God is satisfied, I am also satisfied.

Especially when the Lord deals with the number 1 thing I care about: future marriage/guys/etc. I think ever since I was young, I was a dreamer. I always imagined what my future husband will be like. Is he going to be a prince and sweep me off my feet like those movies? Is he going to be wonderful and tall and sweet, and do everything right all the time? LOL man, if I could go back and slap myself in the face, I would. It'd be like, girl, grow up and wake up. This isn't real! This is all a dream. But I'm realizing that the Lord's ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. He knows what I need.
The guy I like now is no where near the Prince Charming that I dreamed of when I was growing up. Nope, not even close. But he cares for me in practical ways, and sometimes can be really sweet, but sometimes when he rejects me -it makes me feel hurt/upset/angry. He deals with my outer man the most.  I have been arguing with God for the past year about him, because honestly, with his character, I feel emotionally exhausted and drained playing this game with him and not being clear what our relationship is.  I just want him to take initiative in contacting me, and asking me to go out, like even once.  I feel the problem is that I always ask him to hang out/arrange group hang outs that he never has to do anything or take initiative. I just wish he would text me once in a while, see how I'm doing, or ask me to hang out once in a while. He doesn't though, and I'm just so exhausted of trying so hard for the Lord's desire for us to come.

The Lord though, revealed to me that my working, my doing, etc. were all in myself. Yes, I want the Lord's will and His way to come. But I have to see that God also has a perfect timing for everything.  It's now the time for me to stop doing everything, and wait for him to take the initiative to contact me, ask me to hang out, etc. I was dealt with so much this past year, with leaving to numerous places (never having much peace when I was away), and losing him so many times.  The worst was when I found out he was going back to China.

But now, I'm realizing I'm so glad he's leaving for China.  His natural man and self is hindering the Lord's will, and I believe that the Lord can work in his environment to break him until he submits to the Lord's way. God is patient, and will not stop until He gains what He is after.  If he continues to be so stubborn and resisting God's will, you better believe that God will deal with him and work in his environment.  Honestly, I am not even waiting for him anymore, because I just trust in my Lord. I have faith in Him that if this is His perfect will, God will work in the guy until he gains the Lord, and allows the Lord the ground to work in his heart. But if he was not ordained for me, I am not afraid to move on. I only want what the Lord wants.

"And do not be fashioned according to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of the mind that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and well pleasing and perfect." Rom 12:2

Footnote for transformed: " Transformation is the inward, metabolic process in which God works to spread His divine life and nature throughout every part of our being, particularly our soul, bringing Christ and His riches into our being as our new element and causing our old, natural element to be gradually discharged. As a result, we will be transformed into His image, that is conformed to the image of the firstborn Son of God as His many brothers. Thus we will be suitable for the building up of His Body.  

Footnote for renewing: After presenting our body, we need to have our mind renewed. The renewing of the mind, which results from setting the mind on the spirit, is the base for the transformation of our soul. Our mind is the leading part of our soul, and as it is renewed, our will and emotion automatically follow to be renewed also. To be renewed means that a new element is wrought into our being. 

The Lord wants to transform us, and renew our mind every day to prove what His will is.  His will is good and well pleasing and perfect. If you had told me back in the day that the Lord would give me such a guy like this, I would be like nope, no way. This is not what I want, but I believe the Lord knows the best for me- the one that will transform me and conform me to His image.  The one that can break my outer man, so He can spread into every part. And I believe God will also use outward circumstances in the guy's situation to deal with him until he submits to God's will, just like the Lord dealt w/ me.

There are 2 weeks left before he leaves- I want to spend time with him, but he has to realize that I won't keep taking the initiative to do something outward because I don't want to hinder the way God wants to accomplish His purpose (that is, if God wants us together for His economy.) The guy needs to learn to take initiative, but I believe God has His timing and His ways.
Everything in the end after all, is for the New Jerusalem.
And if we do end up together, our marriage is for Christ and the church.

One last verse: "Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her." Eph 5:25

Lord, have your way. Transform us through the environment for the building up of Your body. Cause us to take you as our Head, and spread throughout every part of our heart.  Renew our mind every day to walk in You to take you as our Head.  Lord, everything you do is for New Jerusalem. Uplift our view to see what you are doing in this age.  To set our mind on the things which are above, where Christ is sitting in the heavenlies.  Work out what you desire for your Bride. I consecrate my marriage to you, believing that whatever you desire for me is for your church.  Lord, You are able. Praise you Lord for your faithfulness and your patience for waiting for your Bride to be ready. Lord, we are willing to give you the ground. Transform your church until she becomes the most beautiiful bride that you may be satisfied. Lord, we await your return. Come quickly, Lord Jesus.