Feels

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot be touched with the feeling of our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all respects like us, yet without sin.  Let us therefore come forward with boldness to the throne of grace that we may receive mercy and find grace for timely help.  Heb 4:15-16

I'm starting to realize time and time again, I need the Lord Jesus so much. Every moment of every day. I just need to turn to my mingled spirit.  

I still like him.  He knows it and has rejected me like 4x already. I know he isn't ready for anything, but I cannot but feel like this is still the Lord's way. Every time I try to let him go, I have no rest in my soul. 

The 1st 5 weeks I spent away from him in Philadelphia, we were talking on the phone every week, and I was just so happy and resting.  It was like nothing could hurt my joy.  Nothing could depress me.  I just looked forward to the time I could talk to him, even if it was literally about nothing.  It was so sweet, and I just felt like the Lord was satisfied.  But then, when I went back to Pittsburgh on March 16, I joyfully came back because I wanted to see him, and spend time together.  At that time, he was about the get a job offer from a company in Pittsburgh, so it felt like everything was falling into place, and we can finally be together. I still remember exactly then when he told me that horrible lady at the company denied him, and told him about other jobs.  When he told me all this, it killed me inside.  I felt so much pain inwardly, and decided to give up on him. 

After the sweetest 5 weeks, I had the worst 5 weeks ever. Everyday I had no rest. I decided the best move at that point was to give up on him, and just enjoy the Lord with the Body. Spend some time with the sisters, do my own thing, eat out, etc.  But every time, I tried to give up, I had no rest, and literally couldn't sleep. I had no previous sleeping issues before Philadelphia, so it was shocking I had to take sleep supplements to help me rest.  Everyday I felt emotionally exhausted, and tried to forget by hanging out, shopping, eating, watching TV, and everything else in between.  However, inwardly, there was no peace within me as I always felt the Lord was the initiator, the one who wanted this relationship more than me. I would go to work exhausted, and it didn't help that constantly his name would pop up on my prescriptions, labels, doctor's offices. I always learned to read the environment and felt there are no coincidences in my life, as the Lord is the sovereign one behind the scenes. I felt that time the Lord constantly was reminding me of him, to not forget him, and not forget my consecration to Him.  I had so many arguments with the Lord, but only until I said amen to waiting for the Lord, and trusting in His timing, and His ways was when there was finally rest within. 

When I came back from Philly, I thought yay, this is finally the time of resurrection- it's going to be great and sweet and I am going to be happy.  Yes, and no. On the one hand I was so happy I could see him at meetings every week. However, on the other hand, I felt that he still didn't want anything b/c he likes his own personal space and his job situation. I tried to encourage him for his job seeking, but he doesn't listen to me. 
But at least now, I am just so happy that we are able to spend this time together. He makes me happy, but most importantly, there is such a rest within when I am with him.  It's as if when I am resting, God is resting. When I am satisfied, God is also satisfied.  

For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:6

Honestly, I thank the Lord that every situation this past year with him, has dealt with me so thoroughly. He completely broke me- my natural man, and my self so resurrection life could come out.  Without him, I don't think I would have grown so much in the Lord, and have Him spread into my mind, emotion, and will.  i am a person who cares so much about relationships, guys etc. the Lord knew exactly how to break my heart again and again, so He can constitute me with Himself.  
It reminds me of these verses:

Therefore we do not lose heart; but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For our momentary lightness of affliction works out for us, more and more surpassingly, an eternal weight of glory. Because we do not regard the things which are seen but the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Cor 4:16-18

footnote 1 for outer: "The outer man consists of the body as its organ with the soul as its life and person. The inner man consists of the regenerated spirit as its life and person, with the renewed soul as its organ. The life of the soul must be denied, but the faculties of the soul- the mind, will and emotion- must be renewed and uplifted by being subdued so that they can be used by the spirit, the person of the inner man. 

Footnote 3 for renewing: By being renewed with the fresh supply of the resurrection life. As our mortal body, our outer man, is being consumed by the killing work of death, our inner man, that is, our regenerated spirit with the inward of parts of our being is being metabolically renewed day by day with the supply of the resurrection life.

Now, I am just waiting for the Lord, waiting for what He can do, to head up all things in Him.  If God wants this, and wants us together for His economy and His good pleasure, He will work it out.  I rest completely in the Lord not trusting in the situation or my feelings.  Although the situation looks pretty bad- he still hasn't gotten a job yet and it expires end of this month- but I believe in what God can do. I can only believe in His word, and believe He is the sovereign one interceeding for His people day and night. Since God was the one who initiated this, how much more will He be able to provide a job for him to stay w/ me in Pittsburgh.  In the past, I doubted and didn't trust in Him, but No more. Get behind me, Satan for you are not setting your mind on the things of God but on the things of men. I won't allow Satan to have any more ground in this matter. God is on the throne, and knows exactly how to work all things out for the fulfillment of His heart's desire.  He renews me every day with the resurrection life. The more death operated in me daily, the more the resurrection life is supplied to others.

Praise Him that He is the faithful one, the sovereign one, and the one who knows every feeling of my weaknesses. Praise Him that He has already won the victory, and I can stand in Him trusting in not the situation, but trusting in what He can accomplish. Praise the Lord!