Reflecting on my past

Sometimes I wonder if I never went through all my situations what will my life be like. All the drama in high school, dating guys but never actually admitting it, hiding my true self in front of others. Sometimes it's like wow, why did I go through all this? But throughout the entire time, I always felt God hand protecting me and preserving me. Especially when I went out with guy friends. It's like the entire time so many bad things could've happened to me, but I was always preserved. It's like the Lord knew all those guys weren't my future husband so He swiftly and quickly took them all away so sovereignly from me. There would be no chance for anything to develop before the guy would leave me/get married/have children. Back then I never understood why God would do this to me; and take away everything from me. But now I realized it's because all those guys were not according to His will. If I had continued to hang with them it wild only result in pain and suffering. Thankfully they all left me before anything bad truly happened. I used to joke around and say to myself, man if that guy wants a wife, all he has to do is to like me because once he likes me, he will soon find his future wife. I've seen it happen so many times, and for awhile I was kinda bitter wondering why I couldn't find anyone or why I was so unnoticeable and unlovable. Slowly, I realized God was preserving me for the right one, at His right timing for His good pleasure. Especially my body.
Now I'm just thankful that God never allowed me to commit that sin, to go through that suffering, to be in the kind of intimate relationships that only married couples are in. The Lord sovereignly covered me the entire time and looking back I cannot but thank Him that nothing ever happened. Our bodies are the temple of God and we are a living sacrifice. I could only think what would've happened if I had committed this sin, what would've happened if God did not have his hand over me, and how easy it was in this society to be intimate because it's the norm, and everyone does it so it should be okay. 

However, the Lord showed me time and time again my body is not my own, I belong to Jesus. I am just a vessel unto honor for what He wants to do and accomplish.  There are no words for me to even begin to express how thankful I am to Him for preserving me all these years. 

I always believe in my life there are no coincidences in small and big things. Its not a coincidence I'm still here in Pittsburgh after 4 years, and it's even not a coincidence I found this blog at the time I did. Sometimes I forget how God led me through so many situations to break me and thoroughly deal with my outer man so my inner man could be renewed day my day. Wow, even throughout this year of ups and downs, I can only say all glory to Him. 

Now, I just want the Lord's will. His perfect will especially regarding my life, and my marriage. Whatever will satisfy Him and bring in His kingdom is what I desire. In my past, I always had a lot of goals in life and schemed so much to try to attain my goals. I think I was always a dreamer, always the princess waiting for my knight in shining armor. LOL. How much have these dreams faded away. After God took away everything from me, I learned to say amen to only His perfect will. I want nothing less. I don't want a prince, I don't want someone who fits into the ideal goal of a husband; I only want whatever the Lord wants. In the end, He knows the best for me- the one who will deal with my outer man and break me until I am fully transformed into God's image. 

So Lord, I consecrate my marriage, my life, and my future entirely under you. I want nothing less than your perfect will. I only want what You desire. Whoever the guy is, I believe that You are faithful. You are the God who is able to do above all that we ask or think. At your timing, your will and your ways, you will arrange everything for me. I rest completely in your hand and give my whole being to you. Lord Jesus, I love you.